Hello, again. As mentioned before, my name is Noah Goldstein and this is a cheesy attempt at entering the information superhighway at the lowest possible level--as roadkill. That's right; don't expect this site to be informative, interesting, heck, even law-abiding according to FCC regulations. Because I'm not exactly sure what to write now, I guess I'll answer some of the commonly most asked questions:

Are you adopted? I know your parents and they're certainly not as screwed up as you...

You're not far from the truth actually, but the answer to your question is NO. Chances are that you probably don't know my parents well enough--trust me, they're just as messed up as I am. Also, to respond to the question of whether I was adopted or not, my father positively assures me that I couldn't be, especially given the fact that I have the mailman's eyes and the milkman's hair. Gotta love ya Dad(s), this one's for you!

What are your hobbies?

Cheese fishing, strawberry picking, grapefruit slurping, and Legos. I also slap my hands against the flesh of my belly to create a clapping noise similar to that of the African bongo drums.

You seem so obese. How did you get to be this way?

Lots of practice.

I've heard you say time and time again that you are the master of your domain. What does that mean?

Actually, I have no idea what that means.

Someone told me that you're writing your dissertation on some crazy theory. Is this true?

Yes, my dissertation on the Theory of Heav-olution and its effects has been delayed due to a recent problem while investigating the newly discovered Z-factor.

However, before I get into that, I believe that I should explain the basics of my theory. The underlying idea in the Theory of Heavo-lution is that, under ideal conditions, fat cannot be created nor destroyed; it can only be transformed from one person to the next. That is, if A represents the weight of the first person, arbitrarily operating under these conditions, and B represents the weight of the second person, then A + B = k, where k is a constant and the moment that A = B is called the eat-a-librium point. I first thought of the theory in sixth grade, when I saw my elementary schoolmate, Hal "The Amazon" Kiamzon. I realized that he dropped about 18.5 pounds since I had seen him last, and that I gained this exact amount, causing me to buy my pants in the "HUSKY" size.

All right, that's enough rambling out of you! Did you mention something about a Z-factor?

Yes, I'm glad you asked.

I'm not.

Yes, anyway, some of my researchers noticed that some Heavo-lutionary subjects would experience a layover in gaining or losing the weight, ranging from minutes to even days. My associate and fellow theorist, Dr. Allan Antonio Dias, isolated the source of such a problem. This "Z-Factor", as it has been called, is a small, buck-toothed gopher who for a short period of time loses or gains the weight of those people to whom the theory pertains. Dr. Dias is now lobbying the medical community to rename his theory The Oprah Winfrey Hypothesis. So far they have just ridiculed him, but Dias remains hopeful.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxers, but briefs when I'm too lazy to do the laundry. Also, ever since I saw Basic Instinct, sometimes I just like to "free-ball" it...

That's disgusting. You are pathetic. I'm sure you don't have girlfriend, especially when you talk like that.

Why in fact, I do, and her name is Danielle. But don't tell her I said that--she doesn't know yet.

So what do you do for fun at Cornell?

Actually, my favorite pastime at Cornell so far has been putting on puppet shows with my Squeezie Cow and Squeezie Pig to amuse myself. However, recently it's been frightfully boring, so I'll let you know how I have hours and hours of fun on end. This should really interest you Solitaire players out there: You know the typical oscillating fan that everybody has in his/her college dorm? If you haven't noticed, usually dust accumulates on the "spokes", or bars, of the fan's outer casing. Well, if you take a fine-point pen and roll it along one of these spokes, a giant dust ball will form at the end, which is most often so heavy that it falls off by itself. Put in belly button for best results. Collect and trade with friends. For ages one through dead.

How often do you think you'll update this web page?

If things go according to plans, I hope to change small sections of the homepage every other week, and to do a complete overhaul of it every four or five months. But my friends who know me better would have you believe otherwise. Rightfully so, guys.